Thursday, December 31, 2009

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Say what you will...

It won't change the fact that this kid is infinitely cooler than you or I will ever be.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Jesus is real...and he plays bass

The first signs of the invetible robot takeover

Couple stranded for 3 days after GPS leads them astray

To be fair...they should know to use common sense. How many times have you been told by your GPS to turn onto a non-existent road? Hell, whenever I use Mapquest or Google Maps, the damn site tells me to drive to the end of my street (which has been a "no exit" street for over 15 years now) and through some bushes, a length of chain, and a sidewalk into the middle of the main road.

In the words of the Sheriff investigating the case: ""It will give you options to pick the shortest route. You certainly get the shortest route. But it may not be a safe route."

Or, in a more Patton Oswalt-esque sense: get ready for Murder GPS: The GPS that Murders You. Coming soon.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

I hope you felt like this guy on Christmas day


Man, he must have been DYING to move and resize photos on a phone.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Headlines - 12/23/09

Vote hurtles health bill toward Senate passage Thursday
Pundits fail to make a single joke about things hurtling towards the Senate's passage

Alzheimer's may stem off cancer
Scientists say "you'll forget that you ever had a tumor"

Blackberry users hit with second outage in 7 days
Forced to use computers like everybody else

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

I get what I deserve

An attempt at winter poetry

Timmy wanted a shiny new toy
Since he had been a good little boy
On Christmas morning he was surprised to find
That aliens were in control of his parents minds
And in the process of enslaving the human race

The best forgery in the world

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Canadian Mint to issue $4 Tyrannosaurus commemorative coin


Product site

If this went into circulation as a $4 coin, I would move to Canada. It's a shame that it's only a commemorative piece (and one with a hefty pricetag of $43). Rather than 99.99% pure silver, they should circulate this like they do with the current $2 coin, using standard materials in its production.

But hey, they're better than state quarters.

Credit goes to Geekologie for the discovery.

Andrew W.K. considered as alternative energy source

This past Tuesday, a group of scientists in Princeton, NJ, finished building a a machine that they hope will effectively end the search for alternative energy sources. The device, which is still in an experimental stage, is supposedly able to harness the nearly incalculable amounts of energy exuded by the rock star Andrew W.K.

"We brought Andrew into the lab a few days ago for some simple tests," Dr. Frans Kidman explained "We simply wanted to attach a few electrodes to his body and monitor his vitals as he ran on a treadmill, to see if he was a feasible energy source." The professor explained that the musician, who took this study as an opportunity to "party hard", began to headbang and perform 'the monkey' while running, a combination that yielded enough raw energy to power the lab, as well as the adjacent particle accelerator for 50 years.

"Imagine the possibilities! If this machine were to be connected to Andrew during one out of every ten of his performances, hundreds of future generations will be accounted for." The professor took a moment to wipe a tear from his eye. "The age of oil is over, my friend. The time to party has finally arrived!"

Thursday, August 13, 2009

I Found Myself

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/superlative.png


The third panel, specifically.

Here's something weird: I just bought some Drumstick ice cream. You know, those prepackaged ice cream cones with the chocolate and nut covered scoop of vanilla ice cream on top, with the caramel/chocolate in the middle? Those, as you probably know, are Drumsticks. But this is ice cream...made from crushed bits of Drumsticks...made of ice cream. Seems like we're right back where we started, huh?

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Too Legit to Quit

That's right, I just went ahead and spent $25 on Fallout 3: a game I already owned. Why, you ask? Because the version that I had been playing was (gasp) pirated, and my conscience was giving me a hard time. I've been waiting for the price to go down for a while, and my patience has been rewarded. I'm too legit to quit.

But in all seriousness, isn't this how games should be played? You try before you buy? Granted, putting 50+ hours into a game and then buying it isn't comparable to, say, playing a demo for half an hour and making the decision. But the principle is still the same: you make sure that this is what you want, and then you lay down the cash. It feels great being guilt free.

I think I'll go download some music to celebrate.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Fallout 3 Billy Mays


BILLY MAYS HERE WITH WASHO SUPER BLEACH.

R.I.P. BILLY MAYS

TV pitchman Billy Mays found dead in Florida home

YOU WILL BE MISSED. NOW VINCE OFFER IS THE ONLY PITCHMAN WHO SPEAKS IN ALL CAPS. BUT HE DOESN'T HAVE THE BEARD, SO FUCK HIM.

In all seriousness though, this hit me pretty hard. I've been watching this guy rise to the top from his early Oxiclean success, and, moreso than Michael Jackson's untimely passing, Billy's death is one that affects me on a personal level. I'm off to make a Fallout 3 character named Billy Mays, who will be crafted in his likeness and maxed out Barter and Speech skills.

Edit: One 4chan user put it quite nicely: "HEAVEN JUST GOT LOUDER."

Friday, June 26, 2009

Episode 6

I've decided to do something different this time around (since there wasn't a podcast last week): the show is split into two parts, with one made up of wickedly heavy songs, and the other consisting of slower, mellower pieces. You can download one or the other, or both, if you're feeling adventurous.

Side A: Quiet
Download

1. The Pax Cecilia - "The Tragedy"
2. Ben Folds - "Narcolepsy"
3. Aeon Spoke - "Grace"
4. Hyakkei - "Kagefumi"
5. Portishead - "It's A Fire"
6. Opeth - "Ending Credits"
7. Porcupine Tree - "Last Chance to Evacuate Planet Earth Before It is Recycled"


Side B: Heavy
Download

1. Fleshgod Apocalypse - "Embodied Deception"
2. Necrophagist - "Culinary Hyperversity"
3. Meshuggah - "Bleed"
4. Imperium Dekadenz - "Staub und Erinnerungen"
5. Psycroptic - "Skin Coffin"
6. The Dillinger Escape Plan - "Hollywood Squares"
7. Sleepytime Gorilla Museum - "Sleep is Wrong"
8. Ten Masked Men - "Beat It"

Edit: I made a mistake. Psycroptic is actually from Australia, not New Zealand. I don't know what I was thinking. Well, aside from them being from New Zealand.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Animal Planet?

I'm not sure if this commercial has been airing in the U.S. (reminder: I'm in Canada at the moment), but I saw this last night on the Discovery Channel, and it made me rage the slightest bit. It was a commercial for Animal Planet, suggesting that if you don't already have the channel, you should contact your television provider for more information.

Do you remember that show that they used to have on Discovery Channel called "Wild Discovery?" Now imagine if they took the most insane, badass footage from that show and set it to fast, heart pounding percussion. That's what they showed on the commercial. Giraffes headbutting each other, lions taking down zebras by the throat, crocodiles lunging at antelopes riverbeds; all this awesome stuff that...well...just isn't on Animal Planet.

When I think Animal Planet, I think of horsies and kitties and puppies. Oh, and the slightly deranged people that dress their pets up in itty-bitty outfits. All that sickeningly cute stuff. Okay, once in a while they have stuff where some idiot in khakis goes out and does dumb shit with venomous animals. I guess those shows are alright. But I'd have to say that most of the stuff on Animal Planet isn't about wild animals doing their thing. It's more like "Animal+Meddling Human Planet". Dog shows, programs about hippies chasing whaling ships and shouting shit at them through megaphones, documentaries about saving endangered species; if that's your thing, then you probably already know about Animal Planet. I don't have a problem with those shows (or with you, if you happen to like them). I'm just confused as to what kind of channel Animal Planet wants to be. Does it aim to be "Wild Discovery" 24/7? Because hell, I'd watch that every day. But it's pretty clear that the channel focuses more on domesticated animals, which lions and zebras are not. If you're gonna show incredible displays of nature's awesomeness in a commercial, don't use it to advertise a channel that broadcasts the Puppy Bowl.

As you can see, I've been making great use of my vacation thus far.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Vacation, eh?

Hello all,

I'm in Canada until the 28th, so there won't be a podcast for this weekend or the next. I'll see if any wacky shit happens that warrants a blog post, but for now, enjoy this silly looking "Caution: Wet Floor" sign that I saw at a rest stop in New York:

Why does he have hands? And why are they so ridiculous and huge? By elementary school prankster-standards, he must have cancer.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Podcast Episode 5: Cover Songs!

The cover song: half homage to one's roots and half novelty. Here are some of my current favorite cover songs, periodically interrupted by my beautiful, sonorous voice.

Download

1. Richard Cheese and Lounge Against the Machine - "Down With the Sickness"
2. Bauhaus - "Ziggy Stardust"
3. Between the Buried and Me - "Three of a Perfect Pair"
4. Tool - "No Quarter"
5. Powerglove - "Mario Minor"
6. Iced Earth - "Hallowed Be Thy Name"
7. Metallica - "Stone Cold Crazy"
8. Death - "Painkiller"
9. Children of Bodom - "She Is Beautiful"
10. Ministry - "What a Wonderful World"

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

New humor feature!

I've started watching TV again, if only a bit here and there. For the past week or so, I've supplemented my dinner with a hearty helping of Cash Cab, and while I like the show very much, the same commercials run night after night. The same goddamn commercials.

Which brings me to the first official semi-regular humor feature that I will be starting on this blog. Whenever I see a particularly awful commercial, I'll hunt down a Youtube link, post it here if possible (in case you haven't seen it, or if you need the painful memory to be refreshed), and then provide my own commentary on the commercial. It'll be fun.

To kick this off, I'd like to say a few short words about that one Kashi commercial. You know, the one with some white woman hanging out with a bunch of Indian women who are harvesting grains and spices. She remarks that her job at Kashi is to take these ingredients and make food that is both good tasting and good for you. They show some boxes of granola bars and cereal and shit. Fair enough. The commercial closes with the company's motto: "7 whole grains on a mission," as the Indian women stroll off into the distance.

Mission, eh? Like one of those missions where you befriend the "inferior" natives and then try and convert them, which is usually part of some larger imperialistic scheme? Note that the company has sent seven whole grains on this mission. Check out some of the sevens that pop up in the Christian faith.

COINCIDENCE? I think so.

Yeah, it probably is.

Pardon the half-assed attempt at a conspiracy theory. I needed something to rant about, since they play "Wonderwall" every fucking day at work, and it makes me want to jump into the trash compacter. Maybe next time I'll be able to find the commercial on Youtube.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Podcast - Episode 4

This episode, as you will soon find out, is all about the versatility of metal...whatever that means. Listen and be amazed as folk melodies, J-rock, jazz, and even pianos find their way into metal songs, and manage to sound damn good.

Download

1. Tyr- "Tróndur í Gøtu"
2. Dir En Grey - "Vinushka"
3. Sleepytime Gorilla Museum - "1997"
4. Jesu - "Silver"
5. Caverns - "Dance You Son of a Bitch"
6. Jelonek - "Funeral of Provincial"
7. The Monolith Deathcult - "Deus Ex Machina"
8. Cynic - "Veil of Maya"
9. Between the Buried and Me - "Selkies: The Endless Obsession"

Monday, June 1, 2009

Podcast - Episode the Third

I know it's late, I'm sorry. Between work and...well, and playing games all night, I've been fairly busy. Those updates might come in the form of a rant about some bitch that made a snide remark a few days ago, along with a few other goodies, since I'm off the next two days. But for now, here is the third episode of the podcast.

Download

1. *Super special secret song that I won't name here because the other day I played it in a tf2 server and someone called me a faggot*
2. Church of Misery - "El Padrino (Adolpho De Jesus Costanzo)
3. Baroness - "Isak"
4. Alice In Chains - "Junkhead" (live version that is chock full of win)
5. Kamelot - "Solitaire" and "Rule the World"
6. Pure Reason Revolution - "The Twyncyn/Trembling Willows"
7. Xploding Plastix - "Sports, Not Heavy Crime"
8. Mouse on the Keys - "Toccatina"

Thanks for listening, and come back later in the week for some funny shit. Maybe.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Podcast - Episode 2

That's right folks, I've come out of my fallout vault long enough to record another podcast for your listening pleasure. Here's the download link:

Episode 2

1. Roy Brown - "Mighty Man"
2. Johnny Cash - "Folsom Prison Blues"
3. David Bowie - "The Width of a Circle"
4. Amon Duul II - "Stumbling Over Melted Moonlight"
5. King Crimson - "Red"
6. Mahavishnu Orchestra - "Meeting of the Spirits"
7. Led Zeppelin - "Bring It On Home"
8. Blue Oyster Cult - "Transmaniacon MC"
9. Black Sabbath - "Jack the Stripper/Fairies Wear Boots"
10. Queen - "Stone Cold Crazy"
11. Frank Sinatra - "That's Life"

Thanks for listening! Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a whole lot of Wasteland to explore. I promise to update the blog this week...or at least try.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Podcast - Episode 1

Audacity was pitching a fit and kept crashing. For some reason, there's some distortion on my mic that may make it sound like I'm possessed, depending on who you talk to. Because of that, I've kept the talking to a minimum. Hopefully I can figure out what the problem is in time for next week's episode. But enough of that. Let's have some fun.

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD

Tracklisting:

1. Blue Sky Black Death - "From Sun's Angle"
2. Muse - "Space Dementia"
3. Jesu - "Transfigure"
4. Tool - "Intermission"
5. Tool - "Jimmy"
6. And So I Watch You From Afar - "Set Guitars to Kill"
7. Cult of Luna - "Adrift"
8. Porcupine Tree - "Intermediate Jesus"
9. Meniscus - "Pilot"
10. Polemarch - "Married to the Zeitgeist, Soon to Be a Widow"
11. RJD2 - "Smoke and Mirrors"

Friday, May 15, 2009

Re: Star Trek

I saw Star Trek last night, and--this is coming from someone completely unfamiliar with the franchise--it was pretty damn good. However, I've got a few questions for the hardcore Trekkies out there:

1) How times do you think the phrase "warp speed" was used by reviewers to describe an aspect of the film?
2) Is that figure larger than, say, the number of lens flares in the film?

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Introduction

Sometimes, I just gotta dance. Those times, oddly enough, often coincide with major natural disasters. So don't expect any dancing. What you'll find here is shit. A whole lot of shit. Not shit in the derogatory sense, as in "that movie was absolute shit." I'm talking about when you go to a garage sale and sift through the cardboard box of miscellaneous items that are going for 25 cents a pop, and you think to yourself, "god damn, there is a lot of shit in here." Some of it might be great, but a lot of it will probably leave you wondering whether or not it was worth putting there for public perusal.

Anyway, I'm just here to have a fun time and fill this space with musing, ramblings, rants, and satire. Oh, and did I mention that there will be music? A podcast every Saturday night, featuring the best of whatever I've been listening to.

It's gonna be great, folks. I can feel it in my hooves.

About the title: I don't know. It sounded nice. Faux-rebelliousness put to the tune of some song about world peace written by some hippie who got shot. Kids eat this shit up.