Secret of the Magic Crystals

Hi, Alex here. I may be neck deep in papers at the moment, but I feel that as a lifelong fan of video games, I absolutely must deliver the following exciting news to all those who claim to enjoy gaming:

Secret of the Magic Crystals is only $7 right now. Yes, this game is real, and yes, that is a fucking unicorn.

Let me back up a bit and explain what makes this game such an action-packed kick in the genitals. You see, the basic premise of the game is that you, the player, own a horse-breeding farm in a magical fantasy world. Through a series of over 30 missions, you breed Pegasi (whatver the plural of Pegasus is), elemental horses, and unicorns. You can command a parade of shiny steeds that prance the fuck around like they don’t give a rat’s ass. There are 25 races you can participate in and 5 different buildings that you can build with the winnings. What, you think you were participating in charity events or something? Fuck no! You can also decorate your stable with all kinds of shit; there are over 700 knick knacks and pieces of furniture that you can throw all over the fucking place. Now you’re probably thinking, “Holy balls, that sounds like a blast!” Hold your horses, you ain’t seen nothing yet.

How many potions do you think are in this game? If you said over 30 goddamn potions, you are abso-fucking-lutely correct. This is a fantasy land, bro. You don’t just feed your horses hay; this game has enchantments out the ass. It’s like giving horses steroids without having to worry about being investigated by some government committee. How many magical horseshoes do you think they packed into this shot of pure adrenaline? Same deal as before, over 30 horseshoes imbued with some fucking wizard magic that would make your horse back home just shit itself in a jealous rage.

Hopefully this all doesn’t sound too easy for you, because this game simply does not fuck around. You need to care for your horses so they don’t get tired or sick. You can feed them a variety of foods and keep them fit by exercising them on practice courses. But don’t you dare neglect your horses. This game will totally curb stomp your ass if you don’t love the shit out of them. This game has 5 difficulty levels, ranging from a stroll in the park to an unholy gauntlet of a competition that will peel your face off and nail it to the wall with your teeth. If this game were any more manly, my eyeballs would start producing sperm.

Sweet merciful Christ, why aren’t you buying this game right now? GO! This thing is only $7 right now. Unless you feel like this game is too hardcore for you, in which case you should go back to drinking your Ovaltine, you little pansy. Google this sonofabitch if you think you’re man enough, otherwise, go back to playing with your “action figures.”